Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Randomize
