you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
