We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
