i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
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