I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
