I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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