i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
