i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
i think i just lost a toe
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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