I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
