I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
