My brain says no but my pants say off.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
