So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
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