i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
