It's like God shit irony all over that family
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
