im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The air was thick with penises
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
