im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
