I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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