I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
