so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My hand turned me down
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
