I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
