He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
We talked him into tasing himself.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You ate ashes out of my bong
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
