So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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