You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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