Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
