I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
