every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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