I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
