you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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