Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
