she looked like the before picture.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
organizing the empties. That sober.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Randomize
