i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
