Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
