everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Randomize
