When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
