There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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