we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
