Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
