I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
