You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
