I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
