I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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