Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize