**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
