you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize