I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
