i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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