OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
we made out on top of his cat.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
