I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
