Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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