She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
