Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
