you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
