Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
